Following are a few jokes, stories and one liners that have given me a bit of a laugh. I thought I would share.

Joke: Bad mosquitoes

Pat and Mick were camping in the bush. The mosiquotes were so bad, they decided to pack up camp and move to a new site. But they decided to do this in the dark, so the mosiquotes would not know where they had gone.

They stumbled around in the dark, striking the tent by feel and then groping the way through the thick scrub. Somehow they manage to re-pitch their tent in complete darkness and, finally, fell inside exhausted.

Whereupon a firefly came through the tent flap.

“It’s no use,” moaned Pat, “thery’re looking for us with hurricane lamps!”

Joke: Setting up camp

The loaded mini-van pulled into the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters’ father, “That, sir, is some display of teamwork.”

The father replied, “I have a system — no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.”

Joke: Some camping tips

• When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
• The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
• Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
• When smoking a fish, never inhale.
• A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
• The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
• Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
• You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
• You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
• A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
• A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
• In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
• Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”
• It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
• In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Joke: Camping lessons

• Any stone in a hiking boot migrates to the point of maximum pressure.
• The distance to a given camp site remains constant as twilight approaches.
• The number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional to the amount of repellent that remains.
• The probability of diarrhea increases with the square of the thistle content of the local vegetation.
• In a mummy bag the urgency of ones need to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn. It is also inversely proportional to the temperature and the degree to which the mummy bag is completely zipped up.
• The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.
• Average temperature increases with the amount of clothing brought.
• Tent stakes come only in the quantity “N-1? where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.
• Propane/butane tanks that are full when they are packed, will unexplainably empty themselves before you can reach the campsite.
• Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.
• Your side of the tent is the side that leaks.
• The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.
• All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of your nose. If you are male, tree branches will also grow at groin height.
• Enough dirt will get tracked into the tent on the first day out, that you can grow the food you need for the rest of the trip in rows between sleeping bags.
• The sun sets three-and-a-half times faster than normal when you’re trying to set up camp.
• Tents never come apart as easily when you’re leaving a site as when you’re trying to get them set up in the first place.
• When planning to take time off of work/school for your camping trip, always add an extra week, because when you get home from your “vacation” you’ll be too tired to go back for a week after.

Joke: A simple answer

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Holmes said: “Watson, look up and tell me what you see”.

Watson said: “I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars”.

Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a moment: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”

“Why? – What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a moment then spoke: “Someone has stolen our tent.”